


Everything You Fear to Lose

by HiNerdsItsCat (HiLarpItsCat)



Series: Uncertain Point of View [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dark but not Sith Qui-Gon, Depression, Grief/Mourning, POV Qui-Gon Jinn, POV Second Person, Qui-Gon Lives, The Dark Side of the Force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 08:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16082120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiLarpItsCat/pseuds/HiNerdsItsCat
Summary: Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn. You used to have a Padawan but you failed him and he died.You relive the fight on Naboo over and over again, from the moment you drew your lightsaber to the moment that the Sith’s scarlet blade ran through your Padawan’s chest.Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn. You are falling towards an abyss and you don't know how to stop it.





	Everything You Fear to Lose

Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn.

You used to have a Padawan but you don’t anymore.

You used to have a Padawan but you failed him and he died.

You pleaded with the Council to let you train the boy you found on Tatooine. You insisted that Obi-Wan was ready for the Trials. You convinced Obi-Wan that he was ready. You convinced yourself that he was ready.

You were a fool.

The Force can be useful in sharpening memories, which means that you have reviewed every moment of the battle with the Sith Lord on Naboo. You obsess over every decision you made that day, every step you took, every possible way that you could have prevented what happened. You relive that fight over and over again, from the moment you drew your lightsaber to the moment that the Sith’s scarlet blade ran through your Padawan’s chest while you could only watch, screaming, behind the one energy shield that you weren’t fast enough to get past.

You relive Obi-Wan’s last moments, watching the life drain from his face as you cradle him in your arms and weep.

You were an arrogant fool and Obi-Wan was the one who paid the price for your failure.

* * *

Your name is Master Qui-Gon and you got your wish in the worst possible way.

The Jedi Council is letting you train the boy. Demanding that you train him, in fact. Yoda reminds you that you said he was the Chosen One. Someone has to train him and you were the one who found him, who gained his trust and affection, who insisted that he be allowed to join the Order.

You don’t want this. You don’t want him. You want Obi-Wan back.

You don’t understand why the Council thinks this was a good idea. You failed your last Padawan and you’re going to end up failing this one too.

You can’t sleep at night and you can’t focus during the day. You call Anakin by the wrong name more often than not, and every time you remember that he isn’t Obi-Wan it feels like losing him all over again.

You don’t want Anakin to see you crying so you leave him alone as much as you can. You think that it’s for the best: the less he sees of you, the less damage you can do.

You go to the Council and beg them to assign someone else to train Anakin. Instead, they order you to visit the Healers and seek out support. You obey their order but you refuse to say anything to the Healer who tries to talk to you about letting go of grief and guilt. You think to yourself that it isn’t guilt if it’s true. You think to yourself that if you stop grieving for Obi-Wan then you’ll forget him and you’ll never learn your lesson.

The Healer tries to talk to you about attachments and you nearly storm out of the room. How is it even possible, you think, to have an apprentice without becoming attached to them? If anything, part of the reason why you lost Obi-Wan was because you weren’t attached _enough_ , because you were so preoccupied with the opportunity to train the Chosen One that you pushed Obi-Wan beyond his limits and got him killed.

You feel like you’re sliding down a steep embankment, watching yourself fall closer and closer to the abyss, and unable to do anything to stop it.

* * *

Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn and you wish that you could be anyone else.

You stop being able to hide the fact that you’re falling apart. Everyone notices now: the Council, your fellow Jedi, and especially Anakin. One day, Anakin finally works up the courage to ask you if you even want him as a Padawan and you answer truthfully that you don’t. You lie and say that you never did.

Anakin’s reaction isn’t sad as much as it is resigned. As if he knew all along.

He leaves and you don’t try to stop him. Later you learn that he moved into one of the creches with the Initiates. You are actually relieved; even what is essentially a demotion is better than spending his time around a crumbling wreck like you.

You find yourself muttering out loud constantly, sometimes to yourself, sometimes to Obi-Wan, sometimes to the Force itself. You retreat further into your own head. You try to meditate but all you end up doing is replaying the fight on Naboo as if on a loop.

One day, someone arrives that you can almost bear to talk to.

You don’t know if the Jedi Council contacted Master Dooku and asked him to come, but it doesn’t matter either way because here he is, your old Master. You know that he is not given to displays of emotion himself, but assuming he knows what you’ve done it isn’t as though his opinion of you could get any lower.

You tell Dooku everything and for a moment you almost feel better, until you look at his face and see that his eyes are nearly glowing with anger.

Apparently you have been such a disappointment that even Dooku can’t disguise his own disgust. That is what you assume until he speaks and you realize that it isn’t you that he is furious with, but the Jedi.

Dooku tells you that it wasn’t you who failed, but the Jedi. He tells you that their weakness is their unwillingness to act. He tells you that the Jedi should have taken responsibility for Anakin, that they should have intervened before Obi-Wan was placed in danger, that they should have done something to help you when you were in pain. He tells you that the Jedi have allowed the Order to stagnate, and with that stagnation has come rot and corruption.

Dooku tells you that he has been struggling with this for a long time but that he is finally certain: he must leave the Jedi Order.

He asks you to go with him.

You agree.

* * *

Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn and you are no longer a Jedi.

You don’t know what you are now, but at least you know that it isn’t a Jedi.

Master Dooku reclaims his family wealth and title as Count of Serenno. At first, the contrast between this new life and your old life with the Jedi is interesting, but soon you find the color and vitality bleeding out of your days just like it did when you were in the Order.

You still follow Dooku but it is mostly because you have nowhere else to go.

You start talking to yourself when you are alone because it’s at least better than silence. Sometimes, you hear someone talking back. You reflect that you should probably be more worried about that than you are.

* * *

Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn and you have to remember that.

You have to remember that your name is Qui-Gon Jinn because Dooku has a new name now. Dooku has a new name because he is a Sith, and even _thinking_ that word opens up a new wound in your mind.

Darth Tyranus and his master, Darth Sidious.

How could they possibly think that you would greet that revelation with anything but horror?

The Sith took Obi-Wan away from you. As much as you hate yourself, as much as you obsess over every possible thing that you could have done to stop him from dying, the fact remains that it was still a Sith blade that took your Padawan’s life.

You know you should act. You know that the right thing to do would be to go back to the Order and tell them immediately. You know that the right thing to do would be to draw your lightsaber and fight them. You could avenge Obi-Wan. You’ve already killed one Sith Lord. You might be able to do it again. You know that you should stop them. You know that you should do something.

Maybe you will always be a Jedi, because you can’t bring yourself to do anything. You just stand there, feeling as corroded and empty as Dooku once described the Order, wondering what the point of all this is.

You try to leave. They don’t let you.

* * *

Your name is Qui-Gon Jinn… you think.

You’re pretty sure that’s your name.

Sometimes that knowledge is a comfort: you remember that Qui-Gon was a Jedi Knight and was a guardian of peace and justice in the galaxy. You remember that there were people who cared about him, and who he cared for in return.

Other times that knowledge is a torment: you remember that Qui-Gon was someone who let those people down and even got one of them killed. You remember that Qui-Gon has spent every day since then telling himself how worthless he is.

Darth Sidious tells you that if you let go and embraced the Dark Side, you could be powerful enough to stop anyone else from dying.

Darth Tyranus tells you that he would help you overcome this pain if you would only let him.

They both tell you that the Jedi are the ones to blame.

Obi-Wan tells you that you weren’t powerful enough to save him.

You tell yourself that you’re imagining things.

* * *

You don’t remember your name. Your name doesn’t matter.

Compared to emotions like anger, it takes longer for despair to open the way to the Dark Side, but its hooks dig in just as deeply.

You don’t remember when the change took place, but you don’t need to remember. There was once a time when you cared so deeply about so many things and all it did was torture you and make you weak. Now you feel free.

The Jedi talked about letting go of attachments, how leaving them behind would bring peace. But you know that peace is a lie.

The Sith talked about wielding passion, how embracing it would bring freedom. But you know that passion is a lie.

This is why, when Darth Sidious and Darth Tyranus offered to give you a new name, you declined. You didn’t need anything they had to offer. You found your own way into the dark.

You leave. They can’t stop you.

Obi-Wan tells you that there is still something that you need to do. You try to ignore him; he wasn’t ready to be a Jedi, he still has more to learn. You don’t have time to teach him right now, and you certainly won’t be following his orders.

* * *

Your name isn’t Qui-Gon anymore and you wish that Obi-Wan would stop calling you that.

You also wish you could remember that he isn’t actually talking to you, that he isn’t actually there, but remembering that would mean remembering that he died and that it was your fault, and if you think in that direction for too long you start falling apart again.

You can’t fall apart again.

The Jedi haven’t sent anyone after you yet but you know that you’ve been sloppy and it’s only a matter of time. You managed to get Sifo-Dyas away from the Pykes and once he gets back to Coruscant the Jedi Council will learn about the facility, assuming Sifo-Dyas took your threat seriously, but you couldn’t tell if he recognized you. A mysterious Force user is one thing, Obi-Wan points out, but a former Jedi is quite another.

You tell your Padawan that it doesn’t matter if the Jedi know or not. You tell him that you don’t care about the Jedi.

Obi-Wan argues that you do care. You remind him that you only started wielding the Dark Side to begin with because of him, because you were tired of carrying the weight of your past on your shoulders. He says that you’re only ignoring your burdens and that it isn’t the same as getting rid of them. You tell him that if the effect is the same either way, it doesn’t make a difference which way you do it.

Besides, if you were still capable of worrying, you would have more than just the Jedi to worry about. Now that you’ve interfered with the plans for Kamino, Tyranus will know that you have an agenda of your own.

Now Obi-Wan says that you should go to Coruscant as well. You tell him that as long as there are Jedi and Sith headquartered there, that world is the last place that you should go.

He says that this is your chance to have the confrontation that you know is inevitable. You tell him that he’s focusing too much on the future instead of the present.

Obi-Wan says that what he’s really focusing on is the past. You tell him that you don’t think about the past anymore.

You set a course for Coruscant anyway.

* * *

He asks you your name and you don’t know what to tell him.

You’re not sure what his name is either, because you keep looking at him and seeing Obi-Wan and you keep looking at him and seeing Anakin and you keep looking at him and seeing a complete stranger.

You aren’t a Jedi and you aren’t a Sith and you don’t have a name, which means that you’re the last person in the galaxy who should have an apprentice.

And yet, here you are: staring down at this boy who is either one you don’t know or the one who you couldn’t love or the one who you couldn’t save. You can’t think about the past but there is nothing _but_ the past here, staring up at you in brown robes and a Padawan braid as a look of recognition spreads across his face.

Obi-Wan is telling you that sometimes you have to be mindful of the future. He is telling you that love can tell you to do great and terrible things but that ultimately it can’t _make_ you do anything. He is telling you that sometimes you have to be afraid of losing someone you love because the alternative is nothingness, a place where the Force cannot exist.

He is telling you that he loves you. He is telling you that the Force will always be with you.

He is telling you that he isn’t gone; that he never was gone; that he never will be gone.

He is telling you goodbye.

You are left alone with Anakin Skywalker and, even though there is no reason for him to trust you and even though there is nothing you can offer him and you’re completely terrified of all the ways you can fail him, you hold out your hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me tell you how many things I left ambiguous in this: SO MANY THINGS. Probably too many things.
> 
> Music: Adventure Time, "Everything Stays"


End file.
